In a world much like our own (actually, I think it's supposed to be our own), one of the top salesmen of Blackburn Tobacco Company is DYING as a result of a lifetime of smoking his company's products! His mouth, lungs, heart, and brain are in critical condition and now the only one who can save him is REX RONAN, a surgeon who is perfecting the technique of shrinking to near microscopic size, entering the bodies of patients, and fighting illness from the inside out (I could've sworn there was a movie like this)! But that's not all - Blackburn Tobacco Company is afraid that if this employee of theirs recovers, he'll tell the world how bad smoking is, so they've somehow gotten nanobots inside him to attack Rex Ronan. ...and there's your incredibly realistic plot to get you going in Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon.
I played through the entire game for your viewing displeasure.
Obviously, the game's primary purpose is to warn kids of the dangers of smoking. In addition to the heavy-handed plot, there are also true/false trivia questions throughout the game featuring facts about how terrible smoking is. You can easily tell whether a fact is true or false based on whether it says something positive or negative about smoking. Answering a trivia question correctly clears the screen of enemies (thank goodness, since more than two cause the game to lag and slow to a crawl) and answering one incorrectly will damage you. Apart from answering trivia, you'll also be walking through linear, poorly planned levels and clearing away with the effects of smoking with your magic medigun thing... except that this is pretty much totally optional.
Seen here: enemy spam, tobacco gunk, a smart bomb trivia module, an upgrade out of reach on the bottom, and flat, boring level design.
But this game doesn't just warn about the dangers of smoking - it also demonstrates the dangers of awful game design! Indeed, this is possibly the worst game I've ever played. Each level feels as though platforms and enemies were placed everywhere without any thought at all. Depending on the level, there are differently labeled blobs of bad stuff to destroy such as tar residue and pre-cancerous cells, but removing them is a monotonous task that only raises your completion percentage at the end of the level. In most cases, all you need to do is keep walking right, defeat a "boss" (just another enemy), and then move on. The trivia "smart bombs" are also mostly unnecessary and work in the unintuitive way of requiring you to shoot them to reveal the question, then touching it if true or avoiding it if false. There are also powerups that don't require any trivia questions and these change your gun type or refill your time or health. In between most levels, there are also 3D-ish flying sections where you avoid and shoot at obstacles as you head to your next destination. These are all mind-numbingly easy, but they do have generic hip, rock-sounding music that all the kids these days love.
One of the flying sections. You gotta move up to the gap in the green stuff. Sometimes the green stuff spins. I'm not sure how that works medically.
The level design could get away with being an accurate prediction of a five-year-old's Super Mario Maker stage if it weren't for literally everything else also being almost unplayable. Movement is far too slow and clunky to give you any chance of avoiding the waves of seemingly randomly placed enemies. Let's just say that in the time Rex takes to complete his jumping and standing animations, he could have already cured cancer. When shooting at enemies or tobacco gunk, the player is required to stop and then swivel their aim around, but if you want to crouch, as you often will to avoid enemy shots, you'll have to crouch before shooting and then start your ridiculous aiming. That probably sounds like a minor thing, but when you're getting knocked back every second and need to fix your aim over and over, it's a huge deal. And even though movement is slower than your typical constipated bowel movement, Rex's walking speed outruns the speed of the camera so you won't be able to see what's coming until you run right into it. Oh, and I totally forgot until I went back to take the screenshots, but you can kick in this game. Unfortunately, the hitbox is so small and unclear and the cooldown so long, that there seems to be no reason to ever try it.
Notice how I can't at all see what's coming.
Even though the game seems to drag on for ages because of lag and being constantly knocked down by enemies, I actually finished the entire game in less than an hour on my first time playing. So whoever bought this game as a kid didn't even get their money's worth of gameplay out of it. There are a few options to keep the experience fresh on future playthroughs though: you can disable the music, disable smart bombs, and change the language to Spanish. Neato.
I'll spoil the ending so that you don't have to play the game for it: Rex Ronan saves the dude and the dude tells everyone that smoking is bad and everyone listens all of a sudden and the tobacco company goes bankrupt.
The Final Word:
You may have thought that dying of cancer was the worst result of smoking, but one could argue that the creation of this game is even worse. I actually go out of my way to try out terrible games and thanks to the clunky controls, thoughtless level design, and ridiculous story, this is easily one of the most poorly designed games I've ever played. ...so I guess that means I'll have to speedrun it. Heh.
I first heard of the
Itadaki Street series when Fortune Street was released for Wii at the end of
last year. I have yet to play that latest entry in the series, but it's been in
the back of my mind since it came out. So when I saw the original (with the
overly long title Itadaki Street: Watashi no Oten ni Yottette) for Famicom on
Ebay for $3, I snatched it up. Amazingly, the game stands the test of time and
offers depth and hours of fun that one wouldn't expect from a relatively
obscure (at least to me) Famicom game. Also, by the way, it's surprisingly easy
to play with no knowledge of Japanese, as there is a handy guide on Gamefaqs, though being able to read Japanese definitely makes it easier.
How it Works
At its most basic, Itadaki Street is like Monopoly; you move
around one of five different boards, buy and sell properties, collect a salary
when passing each of four chance spaces before returning to the bank, and pay
rent to other players when you land on their spaces. Also, when you land on a
space that you already own, you are given the option to add capital to any of
your properties, which makes the rent and value increase. This is especially
important because of the main aspect that sets this game apart from Monopoly:
the stock market.
"I don't care what you invest in, just invest in something," - Shepherd Book
Whenever you pass the bank, you can buy
shares in any district of the board. The prices of the shares will go up or
down based on how many shares are owned in that district, how many properties
are owned there and how much they are developed, and also by chance space
events. Investing in stocks is essential, as you can make huge profit if you
manage to buy shares in an area that later ends up being developed by you or
another player. Also, if you own shares in a district you will get a small
bonus whenever someone lands on a property in that area, even if you do not own
the property. In many cases, it is advantageous to put all your money into
shares, as you can sell them and convert them back to cash at any time.
Much of the fun comes when playing with friends due to the
ability to make offers to sell, buy, trade, and auction properties. If one
person owns three or four properties in the same district, those properties get
a huge boost in value, which helps the shareholders as well, and can be turned
into a mini hell for other players who must pass through that area of the board
to collect that area's chance space suit (diamond, heart, etc.) to get their
salary.
The game ends when someone reaches the target net worth
(cash plus shares plus property value), which is different for each board, and
returns to the bank, or when any player goes bankrupt. In the case of bankruptcy,
the player with the highest net worth at the time someone goes bankrupt wins
the game. This brings up an important point: this game takes a long time to
play. I have yet to finish a full game on the Famicom version of Itadaki
Street, but it seems more likely that the game would end due to bankruptcy than
to reaching the target net worth (and this proved to be the case when playing
the SNES sequel). Instead, in my case, the games end when one or both players
get bored (unlikely) or when someone bumps the console and makes the game
freeze.
"Oops, were you winning?"
The game can be played with computers or with up to three other friends by passing the controller around. Also, Itadaki Street does have
a save feature for suspending your game... if you own a Turbo File attachment
for the Famicom, which is compatible with a whopping 15 different games and is
impossible to find. So for that reason, you might find that you'd rather play
Itadaki Street on an emulator, even if you own a physical copy of the game. The games graphics are functional and not bad considering the age of the game. Players are represented with anime-styled character portraits at the beginning of their turns and these characters will say short generic blurbs from time to time as well, in text of course. The music is also pretty catchy, though considering the length of the game, you're likely to get sick of it by the end.
Never underestimate AI businesswomen.
Itadaki Street 2: Neon Sign wa Bara Iro ni
This board has three levels. Inexplicably, one is
these ice ruins, below which you can glimpse
what appears to be the depths of hell.
After one friend and I got the hang of Itadaki Street, we
invited two more friends over and dove into Itadaki Street 2 for Super Famicom.
Unfortunately, there are currently no guides on Gamefaqs for this particular
entry in the series. Fortunately for us, the gameplay was almost completely
unchanged from the original and I majored in Japanese. Honestly, the only differences
in this version are nicely updated graphics, new music (which is actually pretty great, but still gets old after a few hours), 15 new boards, new games at the casino space, the ability to save without Turbo Save, and new chance events. There's also the option to change the target net worth for shorter or longer games. So with that in mind, I'll leave it up to the reader to
decide which game in the series they'd like to play.
The Final Word
Of the three friends I played with, all three of them loved this game, played two games in a row, and then came back for more the next day, forgoing playing their new 360 in one case and an evening of swing dancing in another. Itadaki Street is fun and addicting; I can't recall the last time my friends and I have spent this many hours playing a single game in such a short time. It's a perfect example of the potential that video games offer, which far exceeds that which is possible with a traditional board game. There's no reason to play Monopoly any longer - play Itadaki Street instead.
A winner is me!
Update: I've now made an English translation guide for Itadaki Streeet 2! Check it out!
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